Long live conspiracy theories that just refuse to die

YOU could have knocked me down with a pickled onion. Went to thechip shop the other night and who should be doling out the salt andvinegar but Osama bin Laden. Apparently he's replaced Elvis, sackedfor eating too much of the stock, and Lord Lucan, who couldn't standserving oiks a minute longer.

The news will be broken in the traditional manner of an internetposting. In ancient times men spoke in tongues and conversed byritual to pass on messages too strange for an unprepared mind tograsp. These days, fruit loops, trade name "conspiracy theorists",take to the net.

Should anyone wish to spend this weekend pondering what happenedin Abbottabad you'll find lots of company online. The "bin Laden notdead" business is doing a roaring trade. Demand, already healthy,soared as details of the operation emerged only to be changed later.The ultimate deal clincher seems to be that burial at sea. Sendingsomeone to sleep with the fishes seems, well, very fishy.

One resident of Abbottabad, summing up the general view of theconspiracy theorists, has pronounced the goings on to be "all fake -a drama and a crude one".

It doesn't take long for conspiracy theories to grow like mouldaround major events. Viewed charitably, they are an attempt tounderstand a shocking, bewildering, unprecedented occurrence. Itcould even be seen as a sign of a healthy society that so many arewilling not to take official versions of events as gospel.

Bolstering the credibility of conspiracy theorists is their sheerhard work. These people never give up. The "fake moon landing" lobbyis still going strong, the "Diana was assassinated" faction remainsactive, while the "JFK was killed by the CIA-Mafia" gang has been sosuccessful it has spawned its own media industry.

No matter how much evidence is gathered, how many holes arepicked in official versions of events, conspiracy theories come acropper because they assume an organisational competence that'soften not there. It's odd that the same governments so often accusedof being unable to organise drinking sessions in breweries should bethe same hyper-intelligent entities behind massively successfulfrauds. Like a wonky calculator, it doesn't add up.

Whatever the Obama administration does to counter the doubterswill not be enough. They could give presentations of the evidencefrom now till election day and there would still be those whobelieve bin Laden is alive. By this time next year there will beenough bin Laden deniers to stage a convention. To be held near Area51, where bin Laden keeps his spaceship.

STUCK in London so missed out on the on-the-ground excitement andPortillo moments of the Scottish Parliament elections. As far as thepress in London are concerned, what happens in Scotland is usuallytreated as irrelevant. But by lunchtime yesterday something strangebegan happening - suddenly we became interesting, sexy, a story.Rejection of the traditional order ... a warming to independencewhich could lead who knows where. There's a lot of curiosity butpuzzlement too. Post party comes the hangover. All sorts ofquestions will begin to emerge, chief of which will likely bewhether English currency will be accepted north of the border. Nowyou're talking.

AFTER the super-injunctions come the super-rumours, after whichcelebrities feel the need to deny that they are the subjects ofspeculation. Where will it end? One thing we can say with certainty:all the moolah that has been taken by lawyers to keep a lid onthings won't be paid back if they are ultimately unsuccessful.